The Common Mistake You Might Be Making With Grieving Friends

No doubt about it, it can be really hard to find the right words to say when a friend is grieving.

Whether they just lost someone close to them or they got some negative feedback at work, whatever it is that’s making your friend upset, you just want to make it better, but many of us struggle with this.

One of the most common things we want to do when someone is grieving is to sympathize with them. And lots of times, that means we respond by telling them about a similar situation that e were in. That way, they’ll know you understand how they feel, and that’ll help the situation, right?

Actually, this isn’t true. Unfortunately, this doesn’t actually help someone who’s grieving. In fact, it can sometimes make things even worse.

One sociologist named Charles Derber coined a term for this common act—he calls it “conversational narcissism, which he refers to as “the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America.”

What is conversational narcissism?

“It occurs in informal conversations among friends, family and co-workers,” Derber explains. “The profusion of popular literature about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life.”

While it’s completely unintentional, when we take part in “conversational narcissism,” we’re forcing our friend to listen to our story, and acknowledge our problem, even though they need to vent about theirs. What we’re trying to do is hear and acknowledge their issue, but it doesn’t come across like that at all.

Deber felt like he had to bring this to the public’s attention so that we can better help our loved ones who are going through a tough time. We think that this technique is helpful, when actually it just makes us sound like we’re not really listening or understanding.

Support response vs. shift response

Derber recommends using a “support response.” Right now, we’re doing what he calls a “shirt response,” which is when the conversation shifts to ourselves.

So for example, when someone says “Ugh, I have so much to do,” we might say, “Yeah, same—I’m totally busy.”

When we see it written out like this, we can tell it isn’t exactly helpful fodder, even though really you were just trying to sympathize and show your friend you understand how they feel.

But really your friend is saying they’re busy, and you just totally shifted the conversation to talk about yourself. How is that helpful?

Instead, reply with what Derber calls a “support response”—support the person’s comment.

So in this example, instead of shifting the conversation onto you, say something like “Why’s that? What are do you have to do?” This makes your friend feel heard and like you care about their problem.

The same thing is true when it comes to more serious matters. If your friend tells you “I’m so sad over my aunt’s death,” stop yourself from sharing a story about a time you felt sad when a loved one of yours passed away.

Instead, you’ll want to say something like “That’s awful, I’m sorry that’s happening to you.”

Have you ever caught yourself participating in “conversational narcissism” and offering a “shirt response”? Do you think you’ll try to incorporate more “support responses”?