r/AskReddit – Married Redditors, what is something you wish you had known before you got married?

Image of couple on wedding day.ASphoto777 via Deposit Photos

Many married people know that marriage doesn’t always equal happily ever after. Often marriage takes work. Living day to day with another person can be stressful, difficult and complicated.

This doesn’t mean that many married people don’t get along. It just means that a successful marriage is more than finding the right person to marry. Sure, you want to marry someone you love and who you get along with really well, but after the wedding bells, marriage takes work.

As the weeks, months and years go by, little habits that you used to find adorable might start to bother you until they drive you crazy. You will also probably discover things about each other that you didn’t know before you got married and that you weren’t expecting.

Reddit user brightlywound93 asked, “Married Redditors, what is something you wish you had known before you got married?” Many married Redditors were happy to share their advice.

Scroll down to learn some words of wisdom from couples who have already walked down the aisle and tied the knot. If you’re married, you might be able to relate. If you’re single, dating or engaged, this advice might change the way you think about marriage.

  1. What Love Really Looks Like

    Reddit user Fightsactualfoo wrote:

    Gestures of love aren’t the rooms filled with roses or holding boom boxes above your head. The little stuff: folding his underwear without complaint, being the one that gets up with the kid so she can get an extra half hour of sleep, doing the dishes even though it’s his turn because you know he had a hard day — that’s what love looks like.

  2. It’s Hard

    mickster_island shared:

    I wish I had sorted out what I wanted to do with my life. My twenties have been spent just sort of following life, rather than leading it.So now I’m going to grad school, getting things on track. And I wish I could do it my way. But I have a wife and I can’t live in a shitty little studio, eating ramen every night while I read, read, read. Building a new life while maintaining the previous life is freaking hard.

  3. It Takes Work

    DaftFlunk explained:

    That there is no such thing as a soulmate. A marriage takes work and some days it’s harder than others. If you think you can just sit back and be married without putting in effort, you’re going to be divorced.

  4. The Good Outweighs the Bad

    fallout629 answered:

    That it’s not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. Oh sure, there are times when I want to grind my teeth into a fine powder out of frustration. That can be said about anything in life. But for the most part it’s as simple as getting to regularly enjoy the company of someone you appreciate. I put off getting married for a long time out of fear. But once I actually went through with it, it turned out to be a pretty good time.

  5. No More Flirting

    zeperf wrote:

    Didn’t realize that my default behavior around females is to flirt a little, and that I had to purge that after getting married.

  6. Alone Time

    Choebie shared:

    The importance of alone time.

  7. For Better or Worse

    60equals100 answered:

    How scary it would be when he had a cancer scare.How easy it is to fall into a pattern of not spending time really connecting with eachother. How wonderful it is to have him when things are rough and be there for him when he needs me.

  8. Keep Your Friends

    Whizzzel added:

    How important it is too have a life outside of your marriage. Too many people go into it thinking you are now a “we” more than a “me” but that is the quickest way to start hating one another. He has his friends and I have mine. We both work and have hobbies and we never cross the streams so to speak. At the end of the day, I get to sit down with my best friend and tell him some stupid story about work or share some exciting news about my bff. It keeps everything fresh.

  9. Life Changes

    JohnMC312 wrote:

    How much life would change over the years, especially if you have kids. The biggest thing is to make sure your both on the same page.

  10. Be Flexible

    CrimsonYllek explained:

    The older you are when you marry the more you’ve defined your own lifestyle. You’re going to be smashing two lives into the space of one, so you’re going to have to do some redefining. Don’t be afraid to stand up for things that are important to you, but if something’s not important to you and important to them, be flexible. The older you are, the more flexible you’ll have to be.

  11. Forgiveness

    ScrewYourUnicorn answered:

    That constantly getting turned down for sex will eventually get to you and that even though communication is key, forgiveness is an absolute must. If you can’t let go of the little stuff and genuinely forgive each other’s mistakes, it will not go smoothly.

  12. Submission Not Compromise

    mikaelfivel added:

    Marriage is not about compromise – it never works out well. Marriage is about mutual submission. It’s not about “i’m giving up what i want, so you have to give up what you want and we settle in the middle”. Instead, it’s about realizing that you can give up things of yourself when it means happiness for the other, which ultimately leads to your own happiness. The trick is finding the ways in which you both “speak” in submission to each other. You each have distinct roles in your marriage, and when you find out how you best communicate, your relationship will flourish. Most men deal in respect – so loving gestures and kind words are nice, but more often than not, honoring his decisions (with your guidance) will mean more.

  13. Husbands Seem to Agree

    simjanes2k shared:

    Blowjobs go bye-bye.Now don’t get me wrong, this is 2014 and women are all, “I still make my man happy cuz he makes me happy!” in their marriage. That lasts about one to three years, then it’s gone. Excuses, arguments, begging, gifts, none of these will work ever again. Forever, or until she gets very drunk with expensive jewelry. Same story in every couple I’ve talked about it with. One year married, still awesome! Three years, “Well, it’s been a while but…” After that, you join the ranks of “I thought that was a stereotype, my wife was different.” Mark my words, my young friends. It will happen to you.