Woman Seeks Advice After Finding Husband’s List of Every Argument They’ve Ever Had

Wavebreakmedia via Deposit Photos

Married people get into arguments—it’s normal. Healthy, even! But what might not be so healthy? Is keeping a list of every argument you’ve ever had with your spouse.

One woman was on her husband’s computer one day and came across a list of arguments that they’ve had over the past year. She was so shocked she wasn’t sure what to think. So what did she do? She wrote to Slate’s advice column to ask for some help about what to do in her situation.

“I am married to a very smart, very calm man. We get along well, I’m a stay-at-home mom at the moment, and we have a lovely toddler,” she explains for some background in the post. “I, like a lot of moms, feel like a lot of my efforts are unseen, and it resulted in a fight the other night. It was nothing particularly toxic, but when he left for a meeting, he left his computer on.”

While she admits to snooping, she also says that it “didn’t take much” to find the fateful list. “He’s kept a list of things he feels I bullied him into, times when he felt like he was in the right…it’s all there,” she wrote. “This whole time, I’ve asked him explicitly ‘are we okay?’ and he says we’re fine, but…there’s a list!”

She goes on to ask about her options. Does she tell him she was prying? Does she go through each argument with him and try to find some common ground? Now that she knows the list exists, it was probably pretty hard to ignore. And most of all, she wanted to know if they were truly okay. “Is this divorce territory?” she asked in the post.

So what do the experts at Slate say? They don’t think it’s too big of a deal. “I don’t think this is a crisis, and it certainly isn’t divorce territory,” the author reassured the woman. “You’re going through a difficult patch as a couple and as parents, and we now know that his response has been … to write things down. That’s not bad!”

The advice-giver goes on to explain all of the worse things he could’ve done than simply write down his feelings. “He didn’t cheat, he didn’t talk horribly about you behind your back, and he didn’t remove you from his life insurance policy,” she says. “In the same way you wrote this letter to me about what was bothering you, he wrote down things that were bothering him.”

The Slate writer does recommend having more conversations and talking things out more after fights, and, of course, letting her husband know that it’s completely okay to open up to her after they have a disagreement. She also mentions to NOT tell him about the snooping and that she saw the letter—hey, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him!

The cast of The View also discussed the incident, and had quite a few different stances on it. Check out their conversation on the topic below!

What would you do if you found a list of all the fights you’ve had with your spouse? What advice would you give this woman who found hers?